


Things To Do With the Rest of Your Life When You Haven't Been Killed by the Dark Lord

by McKay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 16:51:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10994997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKay/pseuds/McKay
Summary: Shocked to find himself still alive, Severus embraces a new philosophy, one that sends him in pursuit of Remus Lupin.





	Things To Do With the Rest of Your Life When You Haven't Been Killed by the Dark Lord

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2007.

_"Ever notice that 'what the hell' is always the right decision?" ~ Marilyn Monroe_

 

To say that Severus Snape was surprised to find the war over and himself alive was something of an understatement. He had fully expected to be pushing up the daisies, gruesomely slain by one side or the other before it was all over. He had resigned himself to it, actually, to the point of imagining his martyr's death when he couldn't sleep at night, drawing up his will, and making discrete arrangements with Kaskett & Toombe for the kind of funeral he wanted, which included professional mourners and a message to be included in his obituary that said, in a nutshell, "Bugger the lot of you."

After his arrest, he still expected to be murdered "mysteriously" while in prison or sentenced to death for treason, thus his stunned amazement continued when he found himself ushered into a small room where Moody, Shacklebolt, and a drab little Ministry drone were waiting not to sentence or execute him, but to exonerate him. He was told about the evidence brought forth that proved he had taken an Unbreakable Vow of loyalty to Dumbledore in 1981 and that Dumbledore's murder had been a staged event, partly assisted suicide because Dumbledore was dying of a curse and partly a ruse. The Headmaster's plan had been to secure Severus' position within the Dark Lord's ranks so he could smuggle information back to the Order by indirect means as well as chip away at the Dark Lord's power base from within - and it had worked.

They offered him a deal: testify against all captured Death Eaters and be pardoned, receiving only a slap on the wrist for casting an Unforgivable Curse.

Bemused, Severus agreed. He drifted through the following weeks as if in a dream. He was kept in protective custody while the trials were on-going, but he had little faith in the Ministry's ability to keep him alive, and he waited for the penny to drop - namely for some shadowy figure to assassinate him while he was being escorted to or from the Ministry trials. But it kept not happening, and he kept waking up every morning and living through another day until the trials were over, the Dark Lord's loyal followers were all dead or in prison, and he was _still_ alive.

It was enough to solidify his opinion that Fate was a fickle bitch who delighted in making humans scratch their heads and wonder what had just happened.

On a warm, sunny day in late July, Severus walked out of the Ministry a free man. His home, bank vault, and miscellaneous belongings left behind at Hogwarts had been confiscated, but now they were his again. He didn't have a job, true, and it was unlikely he would be allowed to return to teaching at Hogwarts even if he wanted to, but he had a sizable nest egg saved up, which meant he had time to consider his options.

The problem was, he didn't know what he wanted to do. He had spent so long bracing himself for death that he didn't know how to approach the long and healthy life stretching out before him. He had prepared for every eventuality except that one.

But Severus was both a pragmatist and an orderly soul, thus he sat down at his kitchen table one morning with a quill and parchment and prepared to make a list: "Things To Do With the Rest of My Life". He sat for a good fifteen minutes with his quill poised over the parchment and not a single word written.

What did he want? Money?

Not really. He wanted enough to live comfortably, but he wasn't unfamiliar with a life of frugality, and he could make do as long as he had enough to pay his bills and splurge on dinner out once in a while.

Sex?

Oh, that was good. He nodded and wrote down "sex" at the top of the list.

Another fifteen minutes later, he hadn't come up with anything to add to it except "eat really good curry whenever possible", and he scratched it out, wadded up the parchment, and threw it in the rubbish bin.

The problem was, there wasn't anything he really wanted to do with his life anymore, because he had already done it. He had spent the last couple of decades opposing the Dark Lord and trying to cram knowledge into the thick skulls of the lazy brats who passed through his classroom so they would be able to defend themselves when the time came. Now the thing that had shaped every aspect of his life since he was seventeen years old was gone. Over. Finished. His job was done, and he was obsolete. He had no goals, no motivation, no purpose.

For the first time in twenty years, he was utterly free and could do whatever he damned well pleased, and when that realization sank in - _really_ sank in - it was as if something had fallen into place. He was free. The shackles of obligation and servitude that had bound him for so long were now gone. He could do whatever he wanted with the rest of his life, because there was no one controlling him or placing expectations on him, and it didn't matter what he did.

"What the hell," he said to the empty air, and with that, his new life philosophy was born.

He started by putting his house at Spinner's End up for rent. He considered selling it, but it wasn't exactly a prime location, and he knew he wouldn't get much. If he rented, on the other hand, he could probably get someone in quickly, and it would be steady income he could count on each month until he found a job.

The next thing he did was find himself a small but cozy flat in a town further south within easy traveling distance to the sea without being so close that it was overrun by tourists. It was a Muggle town, but that didn't bother him; he had grown up among Muggles, after all, and he knew how to fit in. Indeed, considering the fact that a large portion of the Wizarding World was treating him like a pariah in spite of his pardon and cooperation in convicting the captured Death Eaters, he was more inclined to invest his time in the Muggle world. What the hell - he didn't care about living or working in the Wizarding world any more anyway.

The next thing he did was buy some new clothes. Muggle clothes, no less, including jeans and a heather grey jumper rather than a black one, because what the hell. He had worn black for decades, and it was time for a change.

He manufactured Muggle identification documents and certification, and he found a job teaching maths at a boy's school, which was enough like teaching at Hogwarts to feel comfortable. By the time October rolled around, he had his life settled enough to be content and to feel as if he had a purpose again, although he was still making his decisions based on the "what the hell" principle.

Which was why he decided to sabotage the Tonks-Lupin wedding.

He still subscribed to _The Daily Prophet_ just to keep an eye on things, and he noticed the wedding announcement in the society section with the headline, "Auror to Wed Werewolf!" There was a photograph of the couple; in it, Tonks clutched Lupin's arm and beamed, but Lupin's placid smile didn't quite reach his eyes. To Severus, he looked lost, and the longer Severus stared at the photograph, the more he thought, "What the hell". Sex had been at the top of his To Do list, after all, and Lupin was a prime candidate for a Discrete Arrangement between Gentlemen. They were the same age, they shared a history, and Lupin was intelligent enough that Severus would be able to tolerate his company outside of bed, unlike the young idiots who frequented the clubs. The club boys were foolish, naive, and lacked proper appreciation of punk, which diminished them to little more than unwashed heathens in Severus' opinion. At least he could be certain Lupin didn't think the history of music began with Cher and bloody ABBA.

It didn't take much effort to find out where Lupin was living. In preparation for his visit, Severus tied his hair in a ponytail and dressed in a pair of jeans; a navy blue, long-sleeved tee shirt with the logo of some Muggle clothing company on the front; and trainers. What the hell - he wasn't worried about impressing or intimidating anyone anymore. He had no need for it now, and besides, the look on Lupin's face when he saw Severus was worth it.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?" Lupin asked once he had stopped gaping. "I can't imagine this is a social call, but I can't imagine what business we would have to discuss either."

"Let me in, and I'll tell you," Severus replied.

Lupin studied him in silence for a moment, and then he nodded and stood aside to let Severus in his tiny flat. "Would you care for some tea?" he asked politely.

"No." Severus prowled toward him, a predatory gleam in his eyes. "I'd rather have a good shag instead."

" _What_?!"

For the first time since they had known each other, Severus had managed to fluster Remus Lupin and reduce him to red-faced stuttering, which Severus considered a personal triumph. If he could coax Lupin into bed as well, this might go down as the best day of his life.

"You heard me."

"Yes, I heard you." Lupin smoothed his hands down the front of his tatty old cardigan and drew in a deep breath, his composure returning as his usual mask of placid calm settled back into place. "I simply don't believe you. You don't like me, and I can't imagine you would want to touch me."

Severus inclined his head to acknowledge the point. "I think you're a spineless rug who needs a good shaking and a good shagging, not necessarily in that order. You've lived your life according to what others want too long, Lupin, and it needs to stop before you make the biggest mistake of your sorry existence."

"I assume you mean my marriage." Lupin folded his arms across his chest and fixed Severus with a even stare.

"I do." Severus matched him stare for stare. "Either you call it off, or I announce to the entire congregation that you're as gay as a picnic basket."

Lupin's eyes grew wide as saucers, and Severus could tell it took effort not to let his jaw drop. "You wouldn't!" he gasped, and then he caught himself and shook his head. "I mean - I'm not!"

"Oh, please." Severus gave him a look of pure disbelief. "I know what you and Regulus got up to behind greenhouse number three."

"I was curious, that's all." Lupin tightened his folded arms and hunched his shoulders, and he slanted a suspicious look at Severus. "Why do you care anyway? If you hate me so much and think I'm nothing more than a spineless rug, what does it matter to you what I do?"

"I hated Potter and Black," Severus corrected, holding up one finger. "I never hated you. I simply didn't respect you."

"Oh, that's comforting." Lupin rolled his eyes.

"I _could_ respect you, however," Severus continued as if Lupin hadn't spoken. "But it will all depend on whether you have the nerve to take your life into your own hands for once."

"And if I don't, you'll out me again?" There was an edge of bitterness in Lupin's voice, and his lips twitched into a hard moue of annoyance.

"No, I retract that statement," Severus said. "If you actually go through with that wedding, you'll deserve whatever you get, up to and including a passel of pink-haired brats, and besides, I don't care to have you using me as a convenient scapegoat." Smirking, he advanced and poked Lupin's shoulder with his forefinger. "This is your last chance to take control of your life, and it is all up to you."

Lupin stepped back out of poking range and stared at him, his features creased in puzzled lines. "I still don't understand. Why now? Why me?"

"Because I've embraced a new philosophy, and when I saw your sad-eyed face in the newspaper, I decided you were the one most in need of it."

"And this new philosophy is...?"

"What the hell."

Lupin stared at him again. "That's it?"

Severus shrugged and spread his hands. "What more do you need? Every time a decision needs to be made, say to yourself, 'what the hell', and it will always be right."

"But that seems so selfish," Lupin said, frowning.

"So? Of all people, you and I are due for a little selfishness. You've been poor and persecuted, I've been used, we're both Dark enough to make normal people nervous. We deserve some self-indulgence."

"But-" The frown line between Lupin's brows deepened, and Severus rolled his eyes.

Talking wasn't getting him anywhere, so perhaps it was time to take action. What the hell.

Closing the distance between them, he captured Lupin's face between his hands and hauled him into a kiss, swallowing his soft squawk of protest and coaxing his lips apart until he relaxed at last. Lupin's mouth was warm and tasted of tea, and Severus enjoyed exploring at his leisure. It had been too long since he had indulged in the needs of the flesh, and the feel of Lupin's lips, soft and yielding, beneath his was enough to make long-banked need flare to life once more. He caressed Lupin's face with his thumbs, forgetting about Lupin's spinelessness, Tonks, the wedding - all of it - as he stroked Lupin's cheeks, palate, and tongue with his own. He didn't know if the quiet moans were coming from himself or Lupin, and he didn't care; all that mattered was that Lupin was kissing him back with mounting desperation that fueled his own hunger.

The kiss shifted from a slow exploration to an explosion of lust, both of them biting, slurping, sucking, their hands frantically yanking at buttons and hems, louder moans echoing off the walls as they sought and found bare skin. Severus herded Lupin to the nearest wall, bumping into furniture and stumbling along the way but not wanting to break the endless stream of kisses just to see where he was going, not when Lupin's mouth tasted better than anything Honeyduke's had to offer. He fumbled with the fastenings of Lupin's trousers and pushed them down, his groan muffled by Lupin's tongue when he shoved his hand down Lupin's underpants and found a hard cock waiting for him.

His own cock was aching, straining against the confines of his jeans, but he didn't want to let go of Lupin's cock long enough to free it; Lupin was rocking his hips, soft, desperate noises escaping him as Severus stroked him, fisting him roughly and brushing his thumb across the tip to capture the leaking fluid. Suddenly, Lupin began tugging at the buttons on his fly; it seemed to take an eternity before Lupin had managed to unfasten them all and yank Severus' jeans down, letting his cock bob free, unfettered by underpants. Severus had had high hopes for this encounter, after all, and he hadn't been disappointed.

Severus broke away from the kiss at last, panting, the sound of their labored breathing filling his ears, and he buried his face against Lupin's neck, breathing in the rich, musky scent of skin and sweat, and he pumped his fist harder and faster, wanting Lupin's gasps to turn into staccato cries and reveling when they did. Lupin's body went taut, and he bucked his hips against Severus' hand, his eyes closed and mouth agape as he came, and Severus smirked, knowing this was far more persuasive an argument than his words could ever be.

But Lupin's fingers were wicked and clever, working Severus with a skill that made him wonder how much experience Lupin had had with other men, and in no time, he was thrusting mindlessly against Lupin and coming hard, the blinding pleasure of release wrenching a harsh shout from his throat. Gasping, he sagged against Lupin, letting both the wall and Lupin support him, and he felt Lupin's ragged breath puffing hot against his cheek, stirring his hair.

"Good God, Remus," he murmured when he had caught his breath enough to speak at last, and he could feel his heart returning to its normal pace. "How long has it been since you've been with a man?"

Lupin gave him an odd, searching look, and then he smiled slightly. "Not since Regulus, actually." His smile turned rueful. "I seem to have a particular fondness for dark haired Slytherins."

"Then what the hell are you doing marrying Nymphadora Tonks when you and I could be doing this on a regular basis?" Severus demanded.

"I'm not clear on exactly what it is you're offering, Severus." Lupin nudged him back, and Severus obliged, giving him room to draw his wand and clean them both up with a simple charm. "I find it difficult to believe you want to share your life with me and have a relationship."

"A relationship?" Severus backed away further and hastily began fastening and rearranging his clothes. "Are you mad? I have no intention of being tied down by you or anyone else. I have had quite enough of that for one lifetime, thank you very much. I had in mind something of a mutually convenient agreement."

"Is that part of your new philosophy?" Lupin's expression was carefully blank as he too began to dress.

"No." Severus folded his arms, growing wary of the direction this conversation was taking. "Part of my desire not to be under anyone else's control again."

"You think that is what a relationship means?" Lupin shook his head, giving Severus a sympathetic look.

"Isn't it?" Severus retorted. "Look at your own relationship. How did it begin? Not by your instigation. Who has been the one to steer the course of your relationship, hmm?"

A flush rose in Lupin's cheeks. "Mine is not the best example of a conventional relationship."

"A gay man in a relationship with an overeager, overwrought girl, guided by a nosy, controlling, middle-aged housewife? I should say not."

"Look." Lupin pinched the bridge of his nose, suddenly looking older and tired. "I want someone to come home to, a home that isn't falling down around my ears, a solid relationship, and perhaps a dog."

"And a white picket fence?"

"Optional," Lupin replied, not rising to the bait. "After two wars and too many losses, I just want a normal life."

"Which I suppose you think you couldn't have with a Slytherin who is a former Death Eater, a spy, and male." Severus didn't quite manage to keep the bitterness out of his voice, and even he was surprised at how deeply it ran.

"You just said you weren't looking for a relationship," Lupin pointed out. "I want something stable, not casual sex when the need arises. I'm past that point in my life. I don't want to tie anyone down or control them. I simply want to share my life with someone and feel like there is somewhere I belong for once."

"You are making a tremendous mistake," Severus said for lack of anything else better to say. He certainly couldn't offer what Lupin wanted... could he?

One corner of Lupin's mouth lifted in a wry smile. "Perhaps it isn't the best choice, but at least I will be getting what I want out of it too."

"Except fulfilling sex." Severus' lip curled in a sneer. "You cannot tell me Miss Tonks makes you feel the way I just did."

Lupin lifted one hand to scrub his face, his expression crumpling into melancholy. "No," he said softly. "I won't insult your intelligence by lying. You wouldn't believe me anyway, and you would be right not to. This was wonderful, but it cannot happen again."

A ball of ice formed in the pit of Severus' stomach at that pronouncement, and he felt as if he had just lost something vital, something that would leave an aching hole in his life if he didn't have it. Which was ridiculous, because he wasn't in love with Lupin! He wanted sex, nothing more.

Although the image of a house and someone to come home to and perhaps a dog was far more appealing than he ever thought it could be. There was no one else he wanted, really. He wanted someone his own age who understood what he had been through; Muggle boys could not satisfy him outside of bed, and most of the Wizarding world shunned him. Lupin, though... Lupin had been a spy too and understood him and the darkness within him in ways most people could not. Not that a werewolf and an ex-Death Eater turned spy could ever have a normal life, but perhaps... Perhaps they could have something close to it?

"I have a flat, not a house," he said quietly, his breath freezing in his lungs and making it that much harder for him to spit out the dangerous words. "I find dogs tolerable. The choice is yours. Grow a spine and choose what you want for a change, even if it is not me."

With that, he whirled and stalked out. The effect wasn't quite as good as it would have been had he been wearing his robes that allowed a dramatic billow in his wake, but he felt he got his point across nonetheless.

The Tonks-Lupin nuptials were scheduled for late November, which gave Lupin about a month to make up his mind. In the meantime, Severus was determined not to brood or wonder or fret. It wouldn't be the end of the world if Lupin chose Tonks over him. Good riddance if he did! Severus would be fine on his own; he always had been, after all, and he could find ways to satisfy his needs when necessary, even if it was only with some empty-headed club tart whose primary goal in life was to be a famous Barbra Streisand impersonator.

Severus didn't delude himself that he was a prime catch for anyone, but he couldn't quite stop a tiny kernel of hope from blooming within him, and it prompted him to start making a few changes. He bought a second chair to place by the fireplace in the lounge, and he began adding homey touches to the flat, such as art for the walls, photographs for the mantle, rugs for the floor, and throw pillows for wherever it was that throw pillows went. He assumed the sofa, but he put one in a chair too, just to be on the safe side.

He even bought a dog. Purebred dogs were too expensive, but he found one that was half-poodle and half-cocker spaniel. It had wavy fur that was the color of milk chocolate, and the breeder promised it wouldn't grow very big, which made it a better choice for a pet that would be living in a flat. The color and texture of its fur tempted him to name it "Cockroach Cluster", but he doubted Remus would like it, especially if he shortened it to "Roach".

Then again, it was his damned dog. What the hell.

After a week with the new puppy, Severus learned two things. One, puppies had more energy than an entire House full of hormonally charged adolescents, and two, it really was rather nice having something to come home to, even if it was a dog rather than a person. It didn't matter whether he was gone for two minutes or two hours; Roach always greeted him with an enthusiasm he had never received from any other living being before in his life. He would never admit it aloud, of course, but there was something about seeing Roach's entire backside wiggling with the force of his tail-wagging that made Severus feel warm and - yes - a little content.

With his days filled with work, house-training, and walks around the neighborhood, Severus found the time passed quickly. All too soon, it was Remus' wedding day, and Severus hadn't heard a single word from him in weeks. It was disappointing, but perhaps not as keen a rejection as it might have been had Severus not had Roach. For that, he supposed he owed Remus thanks. He had another living being that cared for him and needed him, which was quite satisfying, and he took amusement in the fact that people who had previously ignored his presence now stopped to coo over Roach and ended up talking to him as well. He didn't know if Remus would ever find a place where he felt he truly belonged, but Severus was finding his now.

Although he didn't want to call what he was doing "waiting for Remus", Severus drifted around the flat on the day Remus was to be married, tidying up and then tidying up again even though there wasn't a speck of dust or an item out of place to be found anywhere. He had bought a bottle of wine which he refused to acknowledge was for celebratory purposes if Remus did show up, but as the hours passed and no one knocked on his door, he decided he would have a drink or two or six himself after dinner.

By five o'clock, he decided Remus must be married and at the reception, perhaps even off on his honeymoon by now, and so he clipped a leash to Roach's collar and set off on their late afternoon walk, Roach bounding joyously ahead of him. He let Roach determine their path this time, shoving his free hand into the pocket of his jacket and letting his mind wander. He was in a quiet mood, more disappointed than he cared to admit. He had thought perhaps Remus might find the strength to take a risk, even if it was at the last minute, and he had entertained thoughts of what their life might be like together. But Remus had made the safe choice, much good may it do him, and Severus had Roach, so things weren't that bad for either of them. He just thought things could be even better if they were together.

When Roach began to tire at last, Severus turned their steps toward home. Lost in thought, he didn't notice anyone loitering outside the building until Roach began to yap an alarm; he glanced up, peering suspiciously through the gathering twilight, and he prepared to draw his wand as the person turned - and there was Remus, smiling hesitantly at him.

"You weren't home," Remus said after they stared blankly at each other for a few moments. "I thought I would wait."

"I thought you were married," Severus replied, blurting out the first thing that came to mind.

"No. Almost." Remus gestured at himself, and Severus realized he was wearing dress robes. "But I couldn't go through with it. Suffice to say, there are people who are very unhappy with me right now."

"What about you?" Severus raised a questioning eyebrow, and Roach strained the limits of his leash, trying to smell Remus' shoes.

"I am not unhappy." Remus knelt and extended his hand to Roach, who sniffed it and then set about licking it, clearly embracing Remus as a beloved new friend. "Relieved, actually. I think I could be happy." He glanced up at Severus even as he reached out to scratch behind Roach's ears. "If it isn't too late and you've given me up in favor of a more furry and cuddly companion."

"A flat, a hyperactive puppy, and I will suffice?" Severus asked, his disappointment cautiously giving way to hope. "There is no picket fence, you know."

"I know." Remus gave Roach one last scratch and rose to his feet, closing the distance between himself and Severus. Smiling, he slid his arms around Severus' waist. "What the hell."

Severus nodded and wound his free arm around Remus in return while Roach ran in circles and wrapped his leash around their legs. "I suppose I should be cross with you for making me wait so long."

"I'm sorry." Remus offered an apologetic smile. "It's just that I didn't realize what I was getting myself into until I was right there, poised on the brink of a future I didn't want."

"But you do want a future with me?"

"As I said, I seem to have a fondness for dark-haired Slytherins."

"In that case..." Severus bent his head and murmured the words against Remus' lips, ready to make the future a reality. "What the hell."  



End file.
